Catching up

People, I have so much catching up to do. I’m hours late with this blog post, I have easily a dozen emails I need to send, I still haven’t brought all of Rock’s clothes in from the garage, and I’m not sure when I last washed my hair. And that’s not even all of it, just the first four things that came to mind.

I’ve been in Yakima since 10:30 Saturday night, and I feel like I’ve gotten nothing done. It’s not true, but everything I do accomplish is accompanied by a feeling of deep bodily exhaustion. I’ve been starting to feel like I’m recovering from some grave illness, without ever being sick. It was starting to feel a little worrisome, to be honest.

Then, this morning, I made a somewhat surprising discovery, that made sense of a whole bunch of little mysteries, like why I am so tired, and so hungry, and did I mention, tired, like, in my bones? No, I’m not pregnant… I weighed myself. I realize that this conversation might feel a little alienating (and/or TMI). Culturally, we have a lot of issues around weight, and I don’t want to get into a conversation about body image or any of that. Without putting too fine a point on it, let’s say that I realized this morning that I do not weigh enough for my own health. Like, kind of significantly.

I knew I wasn’t eating well during most of February. The work of cooking was just too much on top of everything else. And then we got to the end of the month, and it got real bad. I packed up the kitchen tools I actually used, and got down to the last of the food in the freezer. One day I just ate an entire package of chocolate covered graham crackers, because I knew I needed the calories. And then, before we knew it, moving day was almost upon us, but first we had a gauntlet of much-needed and deeply appreciated social events. I know I ate during at least one of them, a big, lovely bowl of poutine that I meant to share with Carlos and did not. But more than the calories, even, all that lovely time spent with our beloved Vancouver family meant that by the time we pulled into the driveway in Yakima, I was short more than a full night’s sleep over the course of half a week. Awesome.

So, after baby bath time this morning, I “helped him take a nap,” and then ate a bowl of cereal, half an avocado, two huge handfuls of fancy mixed nuts, two kinds of candy and some string cheese. And noted, with a heart full of appreciation, that my dad took Copper River salmon filets out of the chest freezer for dinner. Like he read my mind.

I really struggle with this feeling of weakness, of my body being unable to do the things I want it to. When I told Carlos about my weight predicament, we talked about how to get back to where I need to be, and he said “weightlifting!” I cannot wait until that’s something that’s an option for me again. One of the things that has been hardest about this over-scheduled month had been how hard it has been to get exercise. My poor body needs to work, and the sooner the better.

After today’s nap, I think I might be as close as possible to caught up on sleep. I’m off to clean up the kitchen so someone else can turn those fatty filets into something delicious for my face, and the, if I’m really lucky, I’ll go for the world’s laziest swim. I love you folks, and I am making progress catching up. I’ll be there soon!

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