Falling down

Oh, hey, it’s Thursday already?

Time really flies when you’re… well, hiding, I guess.

This week, I fell down, metaphorically speaking. I over-extended myself last weekend, somewhat unavoidably. I guess I could have skipped the part where some people came over to watch UFC 159, with us, but honestly, that social time was really important. It came in the middle of kind of a rough patch for my general functionality, and that’s where the problem arose. I didn’t feel good. Things were just kind of rough, for no real reason. (It’s been super windy here, which grates on me, but that’s not really a reason.) That’s fine – these things happen. What wasn’t fine, though, was how I dealt with it, or rather, didn’t.

Instead of saying, “Hey guys, my shit is weird,” I kind of just went into hiding. Because I hate saying “my shit is weird.” It’s exhausting, and makes me feel like I’m broken, especially when my shit breaks down at a bad time. Doubly so when there’s no good reason for it. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for a long, long time; long enough that I know some things about it, and how it works in me. But even knowing that isn’t always enough to keep me from falling into its traps.

I am a person who holds myself to high standards, much higher than I expect of anyone else. I’m infinitely more kind and understanding of other people’s struggles, even though I know better. Not only do I know better, I have practices in place to help me remember to be better to myself. But I still feel like a shitty failure of a human being when I get tangled up in my own stupid depression.

Now, all this is pretty harsh, and I should say, it’s really not as bad as it sounds, I think. This week was a little stumble. It was something I could have (and should have) been able to see coming. And while I just used the phrase “shitty failure of a human being,” I mostly don’t feel that way this time around. I’m frustrated with myself, and angry, but this is far, FAR from the worst it’s been, even recently.

I hate to be that blogger who writes a “so sorry I haven’t been around” post, but here I am. You’re my team, and went off the rails, and I’m sorry. Today I’m doing some stuff to take care of me, including, hopefully, scouring the last of the icky stuff from inside the Chinook so we can start rebuilding the interior. And getting a serious massage, for this first time in a million years.

While I’m doing that, why don’t you enjoy this Janelle Monae video:

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