Checking In

Today is a “daytime pajamas” day in del Rio Land.

We’ve done a lot of running around this week, and it has severely disrupted the kiddo’s nap schedule. It also means that the house is a mess, there’s a giant pile of laundry, and I am giving myself way too much slack about my procrastination. Daytime pajamas are half because I need us to stick close to home, and half because I have run out of clean outside clothes. Whoops.

In general, I think we’re doing better about getting back into functional routines, with the last couple days excepted. Coffee, breakfast, toddler dance party, writing, lunch, running around outside, nap time, housekeeping, dinner, snuggles, bath time, bedtime. We’re doing OK on this agenda most of the time. I am starting to feel like we’re functional people again. Like I am a functional person again.

Having told the story about my mom, I think I’m at the point now where I am not carrying any heavy secrets any more. It’s a very strange feeling. It has me feeling philosophical, and a little disoriented, and physically lighter.¬†For years, I have had pain that I can never quite shake. My neck always hurts, my hips always hurt. This week, the stress-pain in my neck and shoulder has shifted. For the first time in literally years, I can feel myself shifting back into alignment. The issues that she and I had were not the only, or even the first, thing that had been weighing me down. Even so, telling you about it, and addressing the other things in their own ways, has had a tangible physical effect in a way that I could not have anticipated.

Way back in the day, when Carlos and I first reconnected, I felt like I had gone home. Then I got caught up in some nonsense inside my head, and I made that home uncomfortable for myself and everyone else in it. Days like today, when I know I’m slacking and should be doing better, feel really hard, but not like they used to. I am part of a team, and every moment is a chance to pull my weight. Even though I should be publishing a better post than this, and I should have done laundry three days ago, I’m not getting bogged down in a cycle of grump about those things.

Today and every day, “do better” is at the top of my list. Thank you for sticking with me while I figure out how to do that.


One thought on “Checking In”

  1. I don’t usually comment on your blog, but I read almost all your posts. I read your story about your mom and I can empathise. You’re such a strong and inspiring person and I hope you, Carlos, and the little one continue to do well! I love hearing about your adventures. Hope to see you guys soonish.

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